Send in the Clones

Written on the occasion of Jack Buck's passing in 2002.

JACK BUCK:
Welcome to the 2050 Major League Baseball All-Star Game.

MIKE SHANNON:
It should be one heck of a battle. The American League is being represented by the clones of Ted Williams. The National League will be fielding a team of Mark McGwire clones. So, sit back with a cold-frosty and enjoy.

JACK BUCK:
It's great to be back calling a game after the l-o-o-o-ng player's strike. Old-timers may have thought that the strike of 2002-2005 was a doozy, but 2040-2050 strike -- well, now, that's one heck of a doozy.

MIKE SHANNON:
That's for darn-tootin'. Gotta give the owner's credit for comin' up with the idea of makin' their own players. No strikes and the owners don't have to pay 'em. Those trillion dollar salaries were really starting to add up. Lift your cold-frosty and give 'em a toast.

JACK BUCK:
Here comes Ted Williams1-that's W-i-l-l-i-a-m-s numeral 1-to the mound. He winds up and there's the first pitch. Mark McGwire9 swings, connects, [CRACK] and it's going, going, [ZZZAAAPPP]. Oh, no, that ball was on it's way out of the park but the security lasers here at Emerson Electric-Imo's Pizza- Missouri Payday Loan Stadium zapped it. That's a ground-rule double for Mark McGwire9 -that's M-c-g-w-i-r-e numeral 9. That would have been homer 279 for McGwire9.

MIKE SHANNON:
That was a heck of a blast, Jack! But Mark9 needs to learn to keep 'em down. Those security lasers don't distinguish between terror- rockets coming in and McGwire9 rockets goin' out. If a blast like that doesn't call for a cold-frosty, I don't know what does.

* * * *

JACK BUCK:
Well, friends, it's time for the seventh inning stretch. The McGwire-clone led NL leads the Williams-clone AL 25-2.

MIKE SHANNON:
I hate to say it but it looks like the AL may have to start using the same physio-mechanical bio-upgrades on the Williams-clones that the NL is using on the McGwire-clones. Whew, big words like that call for a cold-frosty, Jack!

JACK BUCK:
Just can't see the neo-traditionalists in the AL going in for that kind of thing. Look at how long it took to put the Ted Williams-clones on a steroid program.

MIKE SHANNON:
It's gonna take grit and determination and not steroids, to come back from a deficit like that, Jack. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors and a cold-frosty or two.

* * * *

JACK BUCK:
It's the bottom of the 9th and the Ted Williams-clone lead AL team has come roaring back to get within 1 run. Two outs with a clone on 3rd. Williams7, batting .850 this season, is at the plate.

MIKE SHANNON:
It's great to see good ol' flesh-and-blood-and-steroids prevail over freaks of science.

JACK BUCK:
Whoa, there, Mike. Where's your journalistic objectivity? And, remember, just a decade ago androids like us were being called the freaks.

MIKE SHANNON:
Right you are, Jack! It's the pitch from McGwire9 to Williams7. [BINK*] It's a line-drive to right field. Williams5 tags up and heads for home. McGwire3 can't make the catch, scoops up the horsehide, throws. Williams5 slides. Safe!

JACK BUCK:
That's a winner!

MIKE SHANNON:
Old Abner does it again! Time for a frosty cold one, Jack!

*=aluminum bat