Send in the Clones

Written on the occasion of Jack Buck's passing in 2002.

JACK BUCK:
Welcome to the 2050 Major League Baseball All-Star Game.

MIKE SHANNON:
It should be one heck of a battle. The American League is being represented by the clones of Ted Williams. The National League will be fielding a team of Mark McGwire clones. So, sit back with a cold-frosty and enjoy.

JACK BUCK:
It's great to be back calling a game after the l-o-o-o-ng player's strike. Old-timers may have thought that the strike of 2002-2005 was a doozy, but 2040-2050 strike -- well, now, that's one heck of a doozy.

MIKE SHANNON:
That's for darn-tootin'. Gotta give the owner's credit for comin' up with the idea of makin' their own players. No strikes and the owners don't have to pay 'em. Those trillion dollar salaries were really starting to add up. Lift your cold-frosty and give 'em a toast.

JACK BUCK:
Here comes Ted Williams1-that's W-i-l-l-i-a-m-s numeral 1-to the mound. He winds up and there's the first pitch. Mark McGwire9 swings, connects, [CRACK] and it's going, going, [ZZZAAAPPP]. Oh, no, that ball was on it's way out of the park but the security lasers here at Emerson Electric-Imo's Pizza- Missouri Payday Loan Stadium zapped it. That's a ground-rule double for Mark McGwire9 -that's M-c-g-w-i-r-e numeral 9. That would have been homer 279 for McGwire9.

MIKE SHANNON:
That was a heck of a blast, Jack! But Mark9 needs to learn to keep 'em down. Those security lasers don't distinguish between terror- rockets coming in and McGwire9 rockets goin' out. If a blast like that doesn't call for a cold-frosty, I don't know what does.

* * * *

JACK BUCK:
Well, friends, it's time for the seventh inning stretch. The McGwire-clone led NL leads the Williams-clone AL 25-2.

MIKE SHANNON:
I hate to say it but it looks like the AL may have to start using the same physio-mechanical bio-upgrades on the Williams-clones that the NL is using on the McGwire-clones. Whew, big words like that call for a cold-frosty, Jack!

JACK BUCK:
Just can't see the neo-traditionalists in the AL going in for that kind of thing. Look at how long it took to put the Ted Williams-clones on a steroid program.

MIKE SHANNON:
It's gonna take grit and determination and not steroids, to come back from a deficit like that, Jack. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors and a cold-frosty or two.

* * * *

JACK BUCK:
It's the bottom of the 9th and the Ted Williams-clone lead AL team has come roaring back to get within 1 run. Two outs with a clone on 3rd. Williams7, batting .850 this season, is at the plate.

MIKE SHANNON:
It's great to see good ol' flesh-and-blood-and-steroids prevail over freaks of science.

JACK BUCK:
Whoa, there, Mike. Where's your journalistic objectivity? And, remember, just a decade ago androids like us were being called the freaks.

MIKE SHANNON:
Right you are, Jack! It's the pitch from McGwire9 to Williams7. [BINK*] It's a line-drive to right field. Williams5 tags up and heads for home. McGwire3 can't make the catch, scoops up the horsehide, throws. Williams5 slides. Safe!

JACK BUCK:
That's a winner!

MIKE SHANNON:
Old Abner does it again! Time for a frosty cold one, Jack!

*=aluminum bat

T. Renner to Read at Poems, Prose & Pints at Dressel's on Tuesday, October 5

I'll be reading at Dressel's 419 North Euclid, in the Central West End, on Tuesday, October 5, as part of the monthly Poems, Prose & Pints series. The reading begins at 7:00 p.m. and admission is free.

Also reading will be Jon Dressel, Erin Goss, Kelli Allen, David Lucas, Rebecca Brown Gregory, and the featured reader James Stone Goodman.

I'm not sure yet exactly what all I'll read but I'll be sure to read "Roldo the Fish-headed Boy," a poem I wrote way back in 1982:

Roldo the Fish-headed Boy

Roldo was a boy
(that is, he was a young human
with a penis)
who differed from the rest of his society
in that he had the head of a fish

Roldo was a bright boy
he was good at math
and at reading and writing
and he could ride a bicycle like
nothing
but, still, he had the head of a fish

Other boys were often cruel to Roldo
girls, (young humans with vaginas)
were also cruel to him
they (the boys and girls) made up a song

The song was about Roldo
when he would ride by on his bicycle
they would sing:
Roldo the fish-headed boy
he’s so ugly we want to cry
he’s a fish and he should fry
and then they would laugh

The singing and laughing hurt Roldo
but he loved riding his bike too much to
stop

Roldo would often ride blocks
and blocks out of his way to avoid
other children and thus was sometimes
late in arriving at home
where he mother and father would be
anxiously awaiting his return

Mother and Father were worried about Roldo
they felt guilty about inflicting a fish-headed child
on the world and the world
on a fish-headed child
and they were afraid that something would
happen to him and somehow their guilt would be
revealed

But, still, they loved Roldo and when he would
return in tears they would hug and kiss him
and tell him that everything would be alright
and though they hadn’t really believed it
as the years passed things did begin to get better

Roldo’s fish-headedness became less and less
Until one day Roldo was just an average
boy
and went out riding his bike
and no one laughed or sang

Photos from Firecracker Press Reading

The fine folks at Firecracker Press hosted a poetry reading featuring me and Steve Schroeder on Saturday, September 18.

Hilary Hitchcock took these photos of me and Eric Wood.

"Eggs! No!" by Firecracker Press

Even if you didn't attend the reading, you can still purchase a copy of this broadside by contacting the Firecracker Press.

T. Renner Reading at Firecracker Press on Saturday, September 18

I'll be reading as part of Poetry Readings at The Firecracker Press, 2838 Cherokee Street, STL, (314) 776-7271, on Saturday, September 18, at 2:00 p.m. Steve Schroeder author of the poetry collection, Torched Verse Ends, will also be reading. While we read Firecracker Press will be setting up and printing a broadside of one of our poems on their antique presses.

Admission is $5 per person and also gets you one of these hand-printed broadsides. You can also buy an additional broadside so you can have a poem from each writer.

Space is limited, so reserve your seat today by clicking here.

I'll be reading mostly short poems that can be loudly declaimed over the clickety-clack of the presses.

Like this:

A Cool Poem

when the president of the saxophone

lester young said "i'm cool" he meant

nothing was wrong --

nobody was going to go upside his head -- that

he had his sunglasses on so

he could see you better

And, like this:

Notes from a Conversation

Hell, he said.

Alone, she said.

Anything, he said.

Wait, she said.

Wish, he said.

No, she said.

And, like this:

A House But Not A Home

The process of bringing the

house up to the standards of

Jean Harlow's ghost was

difficult, to say the least.

Previous readers at Firecracker Press have been Joseph Sulier, Richard Newman, Pam Garvey, Nicky Rainey, Stefene Russell, and Chris King.

"Camera Obscura" Published on Troubadour 21

My poem, "Camera Obscura," was just published on the Troubadour 21 website. You can read it by clicking here.

More information at Troubadour 21 follows:

A literary and artistic haven for poets, writers and artists in the 21st century.

Troubadours were medieval lyric poets, minstrels, or singers who traveled throughout Europe from the 11th-13th centuries. They performed for the nobility, sharing their poems and songs based on the themes of chivalry and courtly love.

The purpose of this site is to promote art in all of its many forms: poetry, writing, art, photography, and music. We want to bring together poets to submit their poems, writers their stories, artists their paintings, and photographers their photographs.

We hope to create a niche in today’s modern world for the 21st century poet and artist inside you, whether alive and flourishing, hidden or forgotten, needing only to be revived.

We want to create a place for people to promote their work, to inform our readers when and where they will be sharing their work, whether an art show, photography show or musical performance. If possible, we will be there to write reviews and articles on your shows.

Troubadour 21 is a place for us to share our innermost creations, thoughts, to bring back the prolific spirit of medieval and Renaissance literary times to the 21st century.